Does Madonna have a list of Life Dreams? Somehow I think not.Huh.
Maggie's list sounds worldly and aspirational. Mine sounded like a list of errands I need to get to before work on Monday.
I kid you not when I tell you that one of my things was, "Get to Target to use gift certificate for Easter candy." and "Buy Walt a pail and shovel for the playground sandbox." And those are the least pathetic ones.
As a reasonably intelligent woman, I was shocked by what I had written. I've seen Maggie's list, I get the gist. And yet. I couldn't seem to think up a single thing that didn't involve Walt.
TRAPPED! I'm clamped between the iron jaws of the Mommy Martyrdom. You know, that totally played-out thing about always putting everyone else's needs before mine. And feeling excruciatingly guilty for wanting to have a few nonworking hours away from my family.
Because like many women I know, I received a message that said, "Good, caring mommies focus on their children at all times. Otherwise your depressed kids will grow up to be enraged serial killers. Or Morrissey."
It's not about being a perfect mom anymore. No one thinks you have to be that. There are a gillion books, even more blogs and a TV show that celebrate drinking wine during nap time and letting your kid go to school with Twinkies for lunch. It's more about how much time you spend away from your kids, and is that really good for them?
This message is entangled deeply with my DNA. Even Oprah can't talk it away, and this woman had me buying argyle sweaters one autumn. (Don't ask.) I hear it murmuring quiet disagreement when I read anything that says "Me" time. (An annoying phrase for a bevy of reasons that will take another post to tackle. ) It's tsk-tsking when I hear of parents who left their 8-month-old with gramma and went scuba diving for a week. It's clenching by stomach and twisting when I go to my musical improv class Thursday nights, meaning the only time I see Walt that one day is for a few hours in the morning before work.
What a shit message, right? I try to pretend it doesn't exist. But oh! There it is, lurking and ruining my scheudled pedicure, conniving to throw me into a guilt-fueled buying spree at Toys R Us. What's a girl who wants to think up a few lifetime dreams to do?
The only solution I can come up with is to ignore it and keep moving. In AA they encourage newcomers who are trying to stop drinking to "act as if..." you want to be a recovering alcoholic, even when every cell in your body cries for 27 vodka rocks. Eventually the feeling will fade. So that's what I'm going to do. Act as if I don't feel guilty, or like I suck, or like Walt's very future is going to shatter like weak plaster if I don't see him for 2 hours on one night.
Because if there's one thing I truly believe, it's that there is no better gift I can give Walt then a mom who is truly well-rounded and fulfilled. That, and an Elmo pail.
11 comments:
I've been following your blog for a little while now, I fell in by sheer good luck & haven't even attempted to crawl away yet... so to me you are a person of sound judgement and good sense. I think that if you can instill the important values in your children (you know, the difference between right & wrong, when it's okay to tell a fib, why they should eat cauliflower (mention the incredibly stinky farts, that'll get 'em)), they will grow up to be okay no matter what else you do. Stop beating yourself up about it & take some time for yourself. It doesn't hurt children to learn they aren't the centre of the universe. Wait for it... see? No earthquake!
I nodded in agreement as I read this post - unlike my experience viewing "In the Motherhood," which got an eye roll and a quick delete from my DVR.
Good luck with my list ... Mine would have things like "get pregnant this summer" and plans to fix up the house, but I'd also sneak "go back to Hawai'i within the next 5 years" on there.
Honey, feel free to make the world a better place through musical improv. We've both been replaced by a toy shopping cart.
First off, my little boy is not almost 35, doing well and a good father to his daughter and good husband to his wife....so I know a few things about kids and love and parenting, that probably others don't know (thinking Madonna here. It is now what we do for our children that makes a difference, it is what we teach them to do that makes all the difference. I have visited (a lot, even BW) and you are fine (so is the dada).
Give your children what they need,
some of what they want,
and teach them to accomplish the rest.
They will be proud and so will you.
Sorry after a long day I got my t's and w's crossed! Maybe it is the 10 hours OT so far this week.
Who are these people you hang around who tsk-tsk the parents who dare to leave the kids with the grandparents to take time for themselves? Because seriously, fuck them. And I can speak as someone who has an insanely wonderful relationship with her parents that children are not harmed by parents who value their own time and make the effort to get away and recharge their batteries. My parents could not have been more attentive or involved in our lives, but they also raised my brothers and me with the help of nannies, friends, and relatives, all of whom loved us and provided us with excellent care when my parents decided they need a few days or a week to themselves. Sure, we missed Mom and Dad, but we also learned to value relationships with family friends or grandparent, and most importantly, we understood that as much as our parents loved and supported us, we were not always going to be the center of their (or anyone else's) universe. It was an invaluable lesson that helped us become independent, self-sufficient adults -- a lesson that I fear many of today's overly-coddled children will never learn.
So please, don't feel guilty. By pursuing your own interests, you are showing Walt how to be an interesting, independent person. Self-fulfillment and good parenting are NOT mutually exclusive.
OK, I'm off the soapbox now. Sorry for hijacking your comments. And I will be in NYC next weekend (17th thru 19th), so I definitely want to meet up!
I secretly tsk tsk people for doing things like leaving their children with the grandparents, but I only do it because we can't do that ourselves and I'm freakishly jealous.
The tsk tsking makes me feel better, sort of momentarily superior. And I'm a classic martyr, so I'd rather suffer and feel put-upon than go someplace, have a ball and then, have an anxiety attack because it suddenly occurs to me that I might have abandoned my children.
See how that works? It's just more simple to tsk tsk at strangers and move on with my day.
At least I have a system. Good luck with that list, overachiever!
Kim
Ha! Thanks, Isabelle. For the kind words and the trick of making cauliflower more alluring by promising stinky farts!
Lauren-I have Hawaii on my list!
Melynda-It's great to read advice from someone who's done it all already. Thank-you! And don't worry about typos...you should see my comments!
You can hijack my comments anytime, Wendy! I love your post. Though I should correct the perception that my friends make me feel this way. It's no one in particular, just a product of being brought up in a place where female gender roles were pretty limited.
Kim-So maybe it's just jealousy! I can't leave my kids with grandparents either! That's waaaay simpler than my convuluted "blaming society" theory.
Yeah, and I'm not sure about this list thing. Talk about anxiety. And I'm starting to realize it's not about my kid, either.
I really thought that that was an elmo purse. The disappointment is palpable.
Go for it. You have great talent - I've seen you perform. Not only will Walt not suffer, he will benefit. An accomplished, happy mom is way better than a mom who subconsciously resents giving up something she is good at. So give up the guilt and enjoy.
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