Not perfect. But pretty cute.A few weeks after Walt was born, an acquaintance of mine gave birth to her own son. I was so excited to have a (sorta) friend with a newborn. I imagined we'd commiserate over our lack of sleep, our breastfeeding challenges and all of the other things that happen when a 7lb human being comes in and tornadoes your life. Instead, we had conversations like this:
ME: Hey! Want some coffee? It's the only way I survive this lack of sleep thing.
ACQUANTAFRIEND: (somewhat smugly) Oh, little Jim-Jim already sleeps though the night. For like, 8 hours! He's been doing it since he was 2 weeks old.
ME: (seething with jealousy) Really? He must not nap, then.
ACQUANTAFRIEND: (quickly. too quickly.) Oh, he naps. About two or three times a day for about 2 hours each.
ME: (in disbelief, awe and a little anger) Really? Did you give up breastfeeding or something?
ACQUANTAFRIEND: (taking full credit for her terrific mothering) No, that's going great. No problems.
ME: (trying to keep my eyebrows from tying themselves into resentful knots) Um. Awesome. You got a laid back baby!
ACQUANTAFRIEND: Oh, he's active. He's already smiling and he's only 3 weeks old!
ME: (spontaneously combusting inside) Great. Uh, I gotta go. My ears are leaking.
As time wore on, these conversations got worse and worse. Her son was independent yet completely bonded with his mom. He rarely cried. He was already walking by 9 months. I wouldn't be surprised if he's doing Calculus equations as I type.
It wasn't hard to accept that some babies were more advanced and even-tempered than mine. I've been around enough kids to know that Walt falls in the middle of most things and has his own charming mix of super and not-so-super qualities. What made it hard was that this mom was so wipe-that-shiteating-grin-off-you-face smug about the whole damn thing.
If you're about to have a baby, I'm going to give tell you a little something that will help you make friends at the playground and make you more bearable to others. Most of you already know this rule, but in case you don't...
DO NOT TAKE CREDIT FOR YOUR EASY/BRIGHT/OFF-THE-CHARTS CHILD IN FRONT OF OTHER PARENTS. Ever. And in no way act smug or matter-of-fact. Pretend like you're one of those actors who won an Oscar and "forgot" to write an acceptance speech. Who me? You're kidding! I don't know how I got so lucky! Ha-ha!
We all know that you truly believe it's what you deserve. That your easy going, highly performing child is a result of supreme parenting skills and sacrifices. All we're asking is that when you're in front of us, you act like it's not.
Point out flaws in your child, even if you have to make them up. Tell us that Prudence won't eat vegetables or that Atticus won't let you out of his sight. It'll keep others from rolling their eyes every time you leave the playgroup. Because trust me, we do. (Note, there's a mom in our playgroup with a gorgeous, incredibly smart little girl who plays this perfectly with her kid. I'll ask if she gives lessons.)
Then at night, when the baby's asleep and the lights are down, you and your partner can join in the chorus of parental conversations all over the world, reveling in your incredibly gifted, beautiful child as well as your superior parenting skills compared to the rest of those losers.
It's how normal people do it.
23 comments:
Oh, so familiar. I had a friend from college who became like this after her first daughter was born. After a few years, we're reduced to "Christmas Card Friends" (my term for someone you only contact on holidays, births, deaths and weddings.) It was sad to let such a long friendship go, but I just couldn't handle the smugness anymore. I wonder if I could secretly email her a link to your post... ;)
These women are the same ones who "loved being pregnant" and felt like they were "glowing" and didn't get sick once. Blah. You gotta keep these sorts at arms' length, IMO. They only get worse as time goes on and soon you're listening to how difficult it will be for Jim-jim to choose between Harvard and Yale.
I'm convinced that the parents that brag about how their babies are so advanced and such great sleepers and love their vegetables are big fat liars. As for me, Zeke is learning new words and jumping around and being outrageously cute, but he's also developed the charming habit of dramatically throwing himself on the floor when he doesn't get his way, he still wakes up and wants to come into our bed at 5 in the morning, and the only way I can get him to eat anything green is to sneak it into mac & cheese.
Would these be the same ones who never had a touch of morning sickness while I (still at almost 6 months pregnant) seemed to have their share?
My BIL was like this less than 24 hours after his daughter was born. I already think he is a moron, but his know-it-all behavior when he had never held a baby prior to his daughter's arrival floored me.
Great post. The irony of this is not only are these parents smug, they are also liars. Because we know WE have the best kid around. Except for when they're not.
--Dave
I think we know the same woman. I have also stopped hanging out with her.
Bwahahahaha
I love it. And excellent advice for me, too...though i suspect that since I am already telling Pickle that he can't live with us forever and that he has bad manners for overstaying his welcome, that I will not be one of those people...But please please please, tell me immediately.
I learn so much when i come around these parts....
Heidi-Yeah, you just can't hang out with these folks. Especially when post-partum is setting in. I actually considered avoiding a party that I thought this woman would attend.
Nan-So true.
Wendy-I wanted to mention the lying part, but the post got too long! The only way I can get Walt to gobble vegetables is to offer them when I know he's really hungry or cover them in cheese. Even then he'll only put back a few.
Fearless Chef-It's a never fail equation. The shorter time being a parent, the bigger the know-it-all.
Dave-So true! Our kids are the best! Except this morning, when I got a huge tearfest because I wouldn't let Walt hold his blankie while eating a yogurt.
Randi-Yeah, these women are all cut from the same cloth, for sure!
Elizabeth-You don't even need this advice because you'd never be like this!
Since I'm expecting my first in May, this is perfect timing. I've been living through my best friend's horror stories of a colicy, non sleeping non napping but precious baby and all I can think of is how I hope I don't have one of those. And if I don't, I'll remember to be grateful and know that it is not me but him or her. Perfect babies can easily turn into terror children :)
I meant to mention this before, but whatever his imperfections, Walt is freakin' adorable. Also, I can't stop giggling at the thought of a kid named Atticus.
Aw, great post.
I love it!! Just found your site and it's a keeper! lol
I'm with the side that thinks these women are all liars. They want so badly to believe that their little darling is perfect that they can't stand to let anyone know that they aren't, as if the flaws in their baby are somehow their fault. The smugness is just a deflection of their own imperfection.
And that Walt just gets more adorable. How is that possible?
My dad used to innocently praise me in front of others, but I secretly think that the listener does not really enjoy such glorious stories about I did at school.
I hate to say this but my first child was just like that. He took two 2-hour naps a day (am & pm), up at 6 am and asleep at 7:30 pm. It was awesome. I thought this "parenting" thing was a breeze (i was barely 20 - give me a break). My next child cured that. She cat napped all day in 15 min. increments. She screamed every time she was buckled into her carseat and didn't stop until you got where you were going and let her out. She didn't go to bed until 11 pm and got up at 5 am. And I had the nerve to have a third. Thank God she was more like her brother.
KellyO-Your baby will be perfect to you, no matter what. And even the colicky ones grow out of it.
Wendy-Aw, thanks! And we actually know a kid named Atticus. No joke. It's Park Slope, man.
Maggie-Thanks!
Adri-Glad you found me!
Kate-Walt has a very toddler side of him to make up for his cuteness. Like knocking me in the face with his head when he doesn't want to be picked up!
Tina-There's nothing wrong with a parent praising his kid! It's good! It's the smug superior thing that's bad.
Karen-Lucky, lucky you! I really thought my son would be like yours. I think it's great and it sounds like you appreciated it.
great post:) made me smile and got almost tears at the same time.. remembering the times..
If I told that mother the truth about MY situations with my newborns and then my babies and then my toddlers and then my kids...WOW would she get smug. Bottom line is that honestly, I'd rather not be around people who can't be honest with themselves OR their children.
We can't be perfect as parents and kids can't be perfect either...and they shouldn't be! It's just creepy and sad to assume that need to be or that you need to tell other people that they are!
My word verification spells babble (okay it's really 'bable', but still)...think it's trying to tell me something?
Love your post and this site! just found it. I too have a blog about family friendly meals. check it out if you have time. rally great stuff you have on this site. im gonna link you from my page. think my friends will really love it.
Mine is: www.takebackthetable.blogspot.com
Christina
Thank-you, Hera. Such a sweet thing to say.
Cecily R-Amen, sister! And those word verifications can be telling, huh?
Christina-Welcome and thanks! I'll def link you.
I think we all knew "Her", she might want to remember that rarely anyone and possibly no one will think of her child in the same perfect way she does, and while she is busy with that; the rest of us will be wiping up spills, paying bills and enjoying normal thrills.
PS Walt is the best in cute!
I can't stand women like this. Glad to see I'm not the only one who is annoyed by them! Good advise too!
Oh that brings back memories. I have a friend who breastfed babies who slept 12 hrs at night and took good naps and knew their numbers and letters at 2 years old...
I wouldn't trade my guy for anything, speech therapy, short night's sleep and all.
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